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The story
A poster who says they began “konkatsu” (organized marriage-hunting) at age 23 shared their story on 5ch of reaching their late 30s without ever landing even a girlfriend.
When they revealed they’d been trying to find a girlfriend through dating apps rather than a marriage-hunting agency, thread regulars split over the cause — debating how to express kindness, how to make a move, and even bringing up the poster’s past struggle with panic disorder.
What people said
What do you think caused it?
No idea.
Whenever I ask girls why, all I get is
"You're kind and a good guy, but…"
"I can only see you like an older brother."
"I think you're good-looking, but…"
"I can't see you as a man."
Over and over.
I have no clue what I'm supposed to do.
Build up good karma in this one.
Getting pretty spiritual there, huh.
If it's still not working after that, you'd just give up, right?
What do you mean?
I thought I was doing both of those things though…
Wait, these guys don't have girlfriends either?
Probably one of those guys who's got the wrong idea of what "kind" even means.
I don't think that's it though.
Honestly I've never even thought about being "kind" lol.
How do you not even know the reason?
He means he's been trying to get a girlfriend through dating apps and hookup sites instead of a real marriage-hunting agency.
Start with landing a girlfriend first, obviously.
But if you're pushing 40 now, shouldn't you have some presence by now?
I don't think I'm too serious — being proper or straight-laced really isn't my style.
I am going a little bald though.
How'd you make one? Out of clay?
A marriage agency.
Took about three years.
"Isn't there someone nice out there for me?" → "Uh, I'm right in front of you!!"
"Thanks for the meal today" → "We're splitting the bill."
"I should get going now" → "Let's hit one more place! I'll walk you home after."
"Where should we go next time?" → "Wanna watch a movie at my place?"
Based on my actual experience, here's how I usually respond —
You should go on the offensive hard once in a while.
"Isn't there someone nice out there for me?" → "Uh, I'm right in front of you!!"
"Thanks for the meal today" → "Let me treat you."
"I should get going now" → "No one's ever said that to me, though I did get stood up once."
"Where should we go next time?" → "I'm just a high school grad so I can't afford my own place and I'm still a 'kodo-oji' (a grown man still living with his parents) — how about a manga café? Karaoke's good too."
That's about the level I'm at.
A manga café or karaoke date? That's just done.
Not being able to see it from her perspective — that's game over.
Give up.
The manga café thing is rough.
I don't feel any effort there.
The "high school grad" excuse doesn't land either.
If it's not, then you're being incredibly passive and never making a move at all.
I think I do make moves though.
Tell me how you'd do it.
You'll build up more life experience
and become more attractive as a person, too.
Thinking the same thing, I've gotten back into watching anime lately.
"Tanpuri" (his nickname for a current favorite anime) is great, my fandom activities are really taking off.
Being pushing 40 and only just reaching that stage now — that says it all lol.
Then maybe by the 2nd or 3rd date you should push things further, like asking "want to try dating, just to see?"
From her side, if you've met multiple times and this guy shows zero intention of moving things forward, she probably figures there's no future here.
No, it usually ends after the very first date.
And even when I do get a girlfriend, she cancels on me the next day or within a week.
Makes me wonder if I met you, would I want to stop being your friend within a week too…?
Do you have any guy friends?
Not really — I stopped going to school as a student because of panic disorder and couldn't even attend my own graduation ceremony.
Oh, I see.
Are the symptoms still around now? If so, it's totally fine to just casually see a psychosomatic clinic about it.
Background and Key Points
Started marriage-hunting (konkatsu) is a fairly institutionalized activity in Japan: paid matchmaking agencies (kekkon sōdanjo) vet income, family background, and marriage intent upfront and pair members for structured meetings aimed explicitly at marriage, distinct from casual dating apps like Tinder-equivalents (Pairs, Tapple, etc.), which are oriented toward more open-ended relationships. The poster in this thread never actually used a konkatsu agency despite the framing — commenter >>34 has to point out that he’d been running his search through apps and “hookup sites” the whole time, which matters because agencies filter for people who are serious and vetted, while open dating apps have far more casual users and far more competition for attention. Japan’s marriage rate has been declining for decades, and konkatsu culture emerged partly as an institutional response to that, with local governments and companies even sponsoring matchmaking events.
The thread doesn’t really split over whether he has a shot — it splits over diagnosis versus prescription. Some posters (>>16, >>19) think it’s an approach problem, that he’s too passive or reads as “safe” rather than romantic. Others (>>113, >>118) suspect the story itself is exaggerated or “usomatsu,” implicit disbelief that reaching late-30s with zero success is even plausible. A third thread, seeded by >>134’s mention of panic disorder, reframes the whole thing as possibly not a dating-skills issue at all.
What’s easy to miss is that the “konkatsu” label in the headline is doing false work — he was never actually inside the matchmaking system his peers are describing, so advice calibrated to app dating and advice calibrated to formal marriage-hunting are talking past each other throughout the thread.
*This article is compiled and summarized from the 5ch (News VIP) thread “I panicked and started marriage-hunting at 23, and now I’ve hit my late 30s without ever getting a girlfriend”.
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